Grief can make it harder to concentrate, remember things, make decisions and get started. Something you would usually do without much thought can suddenly require quite a lot of it. You still know how to answer an email or put a wash on. Getting yourself to do it is another matter.
Part of the difficulty is that everyday life carries on asking things of you while your attention is occupied elsewhere. You might be thinking about what happened, worrying about what comes next, or repeatedly remembering something you wish you could stop remembering. Poor sleep and exhaustion can make ordinary tasks harder still.
There may also be more to do. Forms, phone calls, arrangements, sorting belongings. Even apparently straightforward jobs can contain decisions you weren’t expecting. Changing a name on an account might take ten minutes online, but that doesn’t tell you much about what it takes to sit down and do it.
And some tasks have changed their meaning. Cooking for one, opening a wardrobe or replying to “How are you?” can involve much more than the practical action suggests. The difficulty may become obvious halfway through, when you find yourself standing in the kitchen with no idea what you came in for.
For someone with ADHD, grief may add to existing difficulties with attention, working memory and getting started. Familiar ways of keeping things moving might become less reliable. Other people may see the unfinished job without seeing how much effort has already gone into trying to do it.
It can help to make the next step smaller and more definite. “Sort the paperwork” could mean almost anything. “Find the letter with the account number” gives you somewhere to begin. Write things down if keeping them in your head is becoming unreliable. If someone offers help, give them an actual job: make the call with you, bring dinner, sit beside you while you open the envelopes.
You may also need to reconsider what has to happen today. Some things are urgent. Others are simply things you’ve always expected yourself to manage. They can look remarkably similar when they’re all on the same list.
For more on how ADHD can shape the experience of grief, read ADHD and grief.