Grief is the result of the ripping away of something valued. When you rip something, it leaves jagged edges, and it’s hard to control the ripping process. Grief is very much like that. It doesn’t leave neat edges that in time can be stitched back together as though the tear never happened.
It changes people forever, in both positive and negative ways. It affects every part of someone, physically, emotionally, spiritually, their self-view, the way the world sees them, their purpose in life or concept of the meaning of life. Nothing is left unaltered in some way, great or small, by grief. Much damage is done when society refuses to acknowledge those changes, and expects bereaved people to find a way to revert to their pre-grief self.
Grief is messy and complicated and unpredictable. When you are deep in it, it feels all consuming, and yet the reality is, no matter how intense the emotion is, nothing stays with us for any length of time, we are constantly moving between states, and that is as true in bereavement as it is in other parts of our life. Our brains are pretty amazing at only exposing us to tolerable amounts of pain (even if they don’t feel tolerable), and so we tend to experience grief in waves, or doses, and that is absolutely okay (and certainly does not indicate that the grief is not intense or meaningful). At times we face the loss head on, feeling completely consumed by it, then that wave passes, and we find we can tackle everyday life for a time, doing necessary tasks and caring for responsibilities. There is a wonderful model of grief called the Dual Process model that shows how this works, as the griever moves back and forth, between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented work and experiences. It’s one of our favourite models to explain grief to trainees and clients. It makes sense of the experience that most people have as they navigate their grief, of taking two steps forward and one step back. It can be frustrating, unsettling, disheartening. But it’s normal. It’s part of the process.