Stop Telling Grieving People…..

Stop telling grieving people they just need to accept their loss.

We’re not playing a board game here, they don’t get a prize when they make it through all the stages to acceptance nirvana.

Stop telling them that it’s time they moved on. First of all, there is no moving on. Second of all, their grieving process is THEIRS, we don’t get to decide when and how they do things. If they’re not ready to start clearing out a loved one’s clothes, that’s not a sign that they’re stuck in denial (more stage nonsense!). They will do it when they’re ready, and you pushing them isn’t going to make that process any easier. And let’s not even start with telling someone it’s time to date again. It.Is.Not.Your.Journey.

Stop telling grieving people they’re being so strong, so brave, they’re doing so well.

You’re giving them the message that they’re expected to be strong and brave and bear their grief in a society-approved manner. When, in fact, we should be saying, you feel it however you damn well need to, and that doesn’t need to be tidy or consistent or (grits teeth) inspirational.

Stop telling them they mustn’t feel angry/guilty/alone/whatever emotion is making you nervous or uncomfortable. You might as well say, stop feeling. We don’t get to pick and choose the emotions that flood us when we’re grieving, and invalidating their experience does more harm than the feeling itself, trust me.

Stop telling them time heals all wounds. Or, this too shall pass. Or, “I know just what you’re going through, and here’s what helped me”.

You know what? Stop telling grieving people anything. It doesn’t help. Start asking questions instead. Questions with undertones of compassion, humility, vulnerability. Questions that show you DON’T have all the answers. How are you doing today (please don’t skip the today: it acknowledges this is an ever-shifting experience)? What do you need? What would you like me to understand about what you’re going through? How can I support you better? Are there times/days that are especially difficult that I can reach out to you on?

Grief is not a big messy thing that you can take out of their hands, wrap into a neat, manageable package, and hand back to them to put on a shelf. It is a big messy thing that they have to live through, and they will do that in their own way and in their own time. They’ll do it without support, if that support is misguided or absent. But if you’re thoughtful, and listen more than you speak, and learn as you go, and be open hearted and respectful, you can walk alongside them as they grieve. They deserve that. They’ll remember that always.

And so will you.