There is a dirty little secret in the grief world. It’s called ambivalent grief.
Have you heard of it? Probably not. Have you felt it? Possibly. But it’s likely that you will have hid it. Because ambivalent grief goes against cultural norms. It requires acknowledging that sometimes it’s okay to speak ill of the dead.
Let’s face it, as a society we do a fantastic job of whitewashing somebody after they die. None of us want to be remembered for the things we did wrong or the parts of us that were ugly or flawed or dangerous. So we try our best to forget those parts in others when they die. But this unspoken agreement feeds into the crazy-making thing that is ambivalent grief.
I’ve inhabited this space. If you come from a difficult or dysfunctional background, perhaps you have too. It can happen when somebody dies who you had a difficult, painful, complicated relationship with (check). Or somebody you were estranged from, somebody that you had unfinished business with (check, check).
I wish I could finish this with a neat solution for you, but I can’t, because that is the nature of the beast. It means coming to terms with living on with unanswered questions, with unresolved conflicts, with unexpressed feelings. And somehow making your peace with all of that. You might need professional help to do that. Reach out to a therapist. Start speaking about the unspeakable. Start making peace with what is left. You.